mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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