So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
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Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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