So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
