True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
