Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
