If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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