Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
