Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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