I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
