Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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