I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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