Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
