Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
