I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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