I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
