I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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