If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
