I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I just put wine in my tea
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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