i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
