tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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