JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
