he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
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my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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