every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
