I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
