I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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