I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
