He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
