Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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