My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
