if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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