They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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