i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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