like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
