i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
