The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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