Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
