Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom