you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star