can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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