judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
