gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
