She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
