I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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