I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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