I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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