I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
