you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
