i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?