Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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