I bet he comes in French.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
