Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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