do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
