Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
