How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
