Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
